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“We’re going to be vomiting Christmas right this moment,” my spouse stated as I used to be nonetheless rubbing the sleep from my eyes after a late Thanksgiving evening. “You would possibly wish to exit.”
I nodded. “I’ll see if Mikey will meet me on the bar.”
After near 20 years of marriage, Liz is aware of me and was doing me a strong.
After all, she and my 17-year-old daughter wouldn’t be actually purging sugar cookies, yuletide stockings and gingerbread-scented candles from their our bodies; as a substitute, they have been going to embellish our home with white lights, holly, mistletoe and a wood decoration that reads “Merry.”
Whereas adorning the home, they’d blast Christmas music—I’m at present contemplating authorized motion towards Mariah Carey—then spend the remainder of the day watching the abject inanity of Christmas films on The Hallmark Channel, which recycles the identical important plot from November till New 12 months’s Eve with myriad arrays of three-dimensional characters.
Cease me when you heard this one.
The principle character is stranded in some podunk Midwestern/Southern city for Christmas the place they meet some “awe-shucks” townie and fall in love and understand how a lot they’ve missed the Christmas pleasure of their chilly black hearts till stated townie confirmed them the err of hedonistic methods via vacation love throughout an sudden snowstorm on Christmas Eve. They kiss in entrance of a Christmas tree on the town sq.. The tip.
So I’ve determined that writing one among these screenplays beats the hell out of actual work so I’ve began engaged on Christmas film pitches for potential Hallmark film producers.
Proper now, I’ve three strong ideas and dealing titles. Right here goes the pitch.
“The Suboxone Santa Claus”
Screenplay by Nate Graziano
Tad Rocco is an aged rock star in New York Metropolis whose late-90s Ska band as soon as landed a single within the Billboard High 50. However Tad has succumbed to laborious occasions and heroin habit, and Tad’s eviction from his flat in Brooklyn by a morally repugnant landlord (performed by Donald J. Trump) is imminent. Tad is then pressured to return to his dad and mom’ home in Snow Metropolis, In poor health., for Christmas. Whereas dope-sick, Tad meets Erica White, the daughter of an unbiased bookstore proprietor, who guides Tad again to well being with the assistance of the Christmas spirit. Tad covers Mariah Carey’s “All I Need for Christmas Is You” on the city’s vacation competition throughout a blizzard on Christmas Eve the place donations save the bookstore. The music goes viral, and Tad’s profession is revitalized. He and Erica kiss for the primary time in entrance of a Christmas tree within the city sq.. The tip.
“Stilettos within the Stocking”
Screenplay by Nate Graziano
Tiffany White is an unique dancer in Dorchester, Mass., the place she’s lived since being kicked out of M.I.T. for a bogus midterm dishonest scandal, propagated by a well-liked professor after Tiffany rejected his advances. After refusing to carry out in an grownup movie, which leads to a break-up together with her nefarious boyfriend/strip membership proprietor Chip Buttafucco, Tiffany leaves Boston and returns to her hometown of Freedom Guidelines, Miss., for Christmas together with her estranged household. Whereas there, she meets Alex Wright, an English instructor on the native highschool and director of Freedom Guidelines Excessive College’s model of “A Christmas Carol.” Chip travels via a snowstorm to seek out Tiffany on Christmas Eve, however Alex’s AP college students chase him out of city with Nerf weapons. Tiffany steps in final minute to play Martha Cratchit on Opening Night time. Mariah Carey visitor stars as The Ghost of Christmas Previous.
Fini.
“The Vacation Bidet”
Screenplay by Nate Graziano
After strolling in on her fiancée Tad Rocco having an affair with an unique dancer, Jill White leaves her New York Metropolis condominium on Christmas Eve and drives to her dad and mom’ home in Vanilla, Ind. Whereas battling a formidable bout of IBS introduced on and exacerbated by the break-up—this Hallmark film is dropped at you by Alosetron; ask your physician if Alosetron is best for you—Jill reconnects with Ashton Pearl, her former highschool sweetheart, at Vanilla’s Christmas Eve line-dancing competition, hosted by Mariah Carey. Jill and Ashton fall in love—blah blah, blah. It snows, they usually kiss. The tip.
Granted, by the point you’re studying this, I’ll doubtless be on a aircraft to Los Angeles however I’ve loved my time as a layman in New Hampshire and hope everybody has a pleasant vacation season.
Or my film concepts may very well be turned down, and I could be right here—in my very own Christmas Hell—listening to Mariah Carey whereas my spouse and daughter dance and sing, sprinkling the home with tinsel and deciding on the perfect time for the entire household to look at “A 12 months With no Santa Claus” collectively, playfully debating whether or not Snow Miser or Heat Miser’s song is preferable.
I believe I do know the place that is trending.
CUT TO:
EXT. TOWN SQUARE-NIGHT.
The tip.
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